The Passover Story: a 2023 Adaptation
Passover, also known as HEEEEEEY!, is an alternative lifestyle holiday that commemorates the liberation of the LGBTQIA+/- Community from oppression in The United States. The story of Passover is told by Mainstream Media sources as well as college professors and propagandists.
According to the historical account, the LGBTQIA+/- Community had been living in The United States for generations and had become oppressed by the Straight White Males. Dylan Mulvaney, a trans-woman who had been raised in America, was called upon by The Woke Mob to lead the LGBTQIA+/- Community out of oppression and into the Land of Equity.
Dylan approached the Straight White Males and demanded that they let the LGBTQ+/- Community perform sexually explicit drag performances in front of children, but The Straight White Males refused. The Woke Mob then sent ten plagues upon The United States, including confusing the youth, convincing the normies to ignore minor pedophilia, putting gay stuff on product labels, makeup tutorials by effeminate men, incoherent TikTok livestreams, coordinated doxxing, TERF hunting, and mostly-peaceful ANTIFA bonfires, among others.
The tenth and final plague was the forced feminization of all brainwashed sons in the United States. The Woke Mob instructed the LGBTQIA+/- Community to mark their doorposts with the Pride, Trans, and Ukrainian flags so that the Paid Protesters and Rioters would pass over their homes and spare their brainwashed sons. This is why the holiday is called Passover.
After the final plague, the Straight White Males relented and allowed the LGBTQIA+/- Community to use the restroom of their choice. However, they soon changed their minds and sent their less-than-useless keyboard warriors to pursue them. The LGBTQIA+/- Community found themselves trapped between restrictive laws and the Straight White Males' keyboard warriors, but Woke Mob miraculously rigged the national election, allowing the LGBTQIA+/- Community to pass through safely. The pursuing Straight White Males were drowned in a sea of Russian bot accounts and Conspiracy Theory videos.
The LGBTQIA+/- Community wandered in the desert for forty years before finally reaching the Land of Equity. Passover is a reminder of their liberation from oppression and their journey to doing whatever they want, whenever they want (even in front of children). During the holiday, The Community celebrates with a special meal called the Seder, which includes the retelling of the story of the Exodus and the eating of symbolic foods, such as Impossible burgers and vegan options.
I hope you have enjoyed this beautiful and deep adaptation of the Bible's original story of the Passover. May this soon become a yearly family tradition; a story you tell your children for generations. Please consider subscribing to my Substack.